Monday, October 27, 2008

Three Hour Banana Coconut Bread

The following story is based on actual events. It took place the winter of 2008. This story is known all the way in Seattle. It is an original story written by me & was written the day after the event as an email. My husband was one of the lucky recipients of this story & he saved it. He found it the other day in his saved email & encouraged me to share it with the world. Lucky you! Please see copywrite infomation at bottom of page. Now get a cup of tea because this is going to take awhile...sit back, relax, & enjoy!

Three Hour Banana Coconut Bread

Thank you for your inquiry about our famous 3 hour banana coconut bread. We are sorry to inform you that we no longer carry this item. However we are happy to send you the recipe. Please keep in mind that the recipe & directions MUST be followed exactly to achieve the desired results. You may want to print the recipe & directions for future reference. Good Luck.

3 Hour Banana Coconut Bread
(Total cooking time: 5 hours)

Wake up at 7am. Wipe sleep out of eyes. Trip over cat. Make sure your home temperature is freezing. Take 2 pills/supplements (the choice as to what kind is yours, but for our bread we take the probiotics). Gag & choke on pills. Wait 15 to 30 minutes. Make coffee. Husband must build a fire in the fire place. Have one cup of coffee.

After one cup of coffee, get out cookbook, turn to page 29, turn oven on to 325, read through ingredients.While looking for ingredients, decide that you still are not quite awake & that the cobwebs have not been properly shaken out of your head. Have a second cup of coffee, watch some tv, preferably Good Morning America.

After second cup of coffee, go back to kitchen & think about making banana coconut bread. Measure & wisk together dry ingredients. Set aside. Say favorite curse word when you realize that you need to make breakfast before I make the bread! Notice it is now 9:00.

Turn oven up to 400. Get out paper cupcake liners & put butter in them, then put them in a muffin tin. Then take sliced lunch ham & put into paper cups, making a ham cup shape. Drizzle agave syrup in the bottom of ham. Crack an egg & put into ham. Put into oven & set timer for 20 minutes. Remember, in order to make true 3 hour banana coconut bread you MUST make 4 eggs, regardless of the number of people you are making breakfast for.

Now get out leftover potatoes from last nights dinner. Put frying pan on stove, turn up to medium. Put olive oil in pan. Cut potatoes, green onion, mushrooms, broccoli, & carrots & put in pan. Stir frequently, adding more olive oil & butter as you go. Cook until eggs are done.

Make fruit salad: cut up banana, mango, & strawberries. Put in festive bowl with a spoon. Put on table.

Take eggs out of oven, put on plate with potatoes, place on table. Say favorite curse word again because you forgot to get out your supplements. Go get all of the supplements you are taking & get out what you need, you should have at least one handful of pills, place in small metal bowl. Get glass of water, go back to table with supplements. Put supplements in mouth,
add water, gag & choke until you get them down. Wipe tears from eyes with napkin. Put food in mouth.

Clean off table, put dishes in sink, screw putting them in the dishwasher. Go back to recipe for bread. Get butter out of fridge, look at recipe again, noticing for the first time that the butter needs to be at room temperature. Say favorite curse word.

Leave butter on countertop. Go check email. Forget that you are making bread.

Having no idea as to how much time has passed, remember you are making bread, jump up from computer, say favorite curse word, Go to kitchen.

Now that you are in the kitchen, go back to recipe. Read the next step...butter is now at room temperature, put 1 cup in bowl, add 1 1/4 tsp. stevia, use hand mixer to make it all creamy. Read next step. You need 2 eggs. Say, "COME ON! You gotta be fricken kidding!" after you realize you ate the last 4 eggs for breakfast.

Go tell the husband (if you don't have one you will have to barrow one to make this recipe work out right) to go get eggs. He must still be in his pajamas, not showered, & have all of his jeans in the dryer. He must say, "It will be 15 minutes." In an annoyed voice say, "Fine."

Try not to get frustrated, tell yourself it will be ok & you'll just do something else in the mean time. Decide to take shower. Take shower & get dressed. Do not put on make up.

Go downstairs to see if the husband is back. He is. Eggs are in fridge. Go to the kitchen, open fridge, the eggs must be a brand you do not usually buy & must be from an organic market (I can not stress this enough). Grab an egg, crack it on the side of counter. As you are dropping it into the bowl with the butter & stevia...think, "I should put this in a small bowl first in case there is something funky with the will be fine." Egg plops down into bowl with butter & stevia...egg is bloody. YELL FAVORITE CURSE WORD!!!! Go to husband sitting in front of computer & yell at him for buying bloody eggs.

Go back to kitchen. Look at recipe. Realize it is now NOON. Look at recipe again. Realize butter is in fridge & will take awhile to bring back to room temperature SHOUT OUT FAVORITE CURSE WORDS...MAKE SURE TO USE SEVERAL. Decide to use cold butter. Mix wet ingredients, this time using a bowl to crack the 2 eggs into, these eggs will be fine. Butter will be lumpy in
mixture. Say, "Screw it..." & sigh. Put in dry ingredients. Use hand mixer to blend. Make sure mixture is thick & comes up the beaters & smears all over the bottom of mixer. Get out spatula & scrape off. Grumble about cooking with sticks & stones & how you really need a Kitchenaid.

Put mixture into the greased & floured bread pan, put in oven. It should now be 12:30. Total cooking time for bread will be 1hour & 20minutes.

Husband comes in kitchen & asks if he can help...COMPLETELY LOOSE IT! Make sure to chew him out for the bloody egg again. Tell him you are never cooking again & sex is completely out of the question.....forever. Yell about cooking with sticks & stones & how you really need a Kitchenaid because if you had a Kitchenaid this would not have happened. Be creative with your fit. Say things that you know aren't true & that don't make sense. Cry. Make sure he blames it on the fact that you will start your period any day. Be angry he said this & say, "SO!" Do not allow him to comfort you. Instead give him the cold shoulder & tell him to go run errands. Grab chocolate, stuff in mouth, & go check email again.

1 hour later, husband must return. He must have a Kitchenaid mixer from Costco, the kind with the all metal gears, & it must be black. Make sure he says, "It not roses, but it will have to do." Cry some more, tell husband you're sorry for yelling at him & that you're the meanest woman alive. Keep crying. Make sure husband says it's ok & that he understands, that he loves you & that you keep his life interesting. Now feel really guilty because you realize that YOU ARE THE MEANEST WOMAN ALIVE & THAT YOU DON'T DESERVE THE AMAZING MAN YOU'VE MARRIED & YOU DON'T DESERVE THAT KITCHENAID EITHER.

Timer for bread goes off. Go back to kitchen & take bread out of oven. Slice bread while warm & spread with butter & agave syrup. Make sure to give husband 2 slices. It should now be around 2:00. Eat with fork & Enjoy!

Note: Yes, I wrote this. Feel free to share it with others, but please give me credit for writing it (by Karmen Naccarato) & please include my blog address If you want to reprint it or publish it any way, please ask me for permission first...After all that's just the polite & leagal thing to do, as this is copywrited material. Thanks!

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